[...]

So I'll just crash on my bed and think of you.

"You know I'm not a weirdo", or Laure's self trial.

The thing is, I just don't know what to do anymore. This is crazy how much the more somebody means to me, the more I act stupidly. I always fear to do too much, or not enough. In the end, I turn out to sound like a bitch when I try to contain my love flood, and like a creep when I try to prove how much I care.
But I'm just a girl who tries to do her best to make/keep friends with the people who really matters, without any regard for their situation or something. I don't give a fuck about your job, your ethnicity, your social class, your level of popularity, your sexual preferences or whatever, as long as I treasure you for what you really are inside, and for all the wonderful things you bring me, these things that cannot be bought. My heart just cannot do any difference; of course, there's some people I like more than others, just like every single human being does on this planet (FYI I'm not Jesus), but if I want to be friends with you, I would always treat you the same way than anybody else, whether you're famous or not, older than me or not, stupider than me or not. I will always try to please you the same and be there for you if you are great to me, I will always tell you to shut the fuck up the same way if you piss me off, I will always tease you if I like you, no matter who you are.

I'm just tired of all the unsaid rules. I'm so sick of  'We-don't-belong-to-the-same-world-so-we-can't-be-friends' kinds of behaviour. Why life couldn't be as easy as "I think you're cool, you think I'm cool, so let's be friends" and that's it?

You want the truth about me?
Yeah I have big flaws. Yeah I can be very extreme, and yes sometimes I just couldn't shut the fuck up; yeah I'm pretty self-centered, yes I can't always  measure just how lucky I can be, yes I'm very childish, and yeah I can be quite sticky. And YES, I tend to brag about every single thing. But it's only because I have a huge lack of confidence and naively think people would care about me only if I shine.

But you know what? I'm also a nice girl.
I'm very generous and will always give you the priority over myself. I can be very jealous sometimes, but always hide it because I reckon I must not stop you living your life because of my tantrums, and I'm aware you don't belong to me. I'm a fair girl, and will always try do what's right, even in the case it doesn't please me. When I start caring about you, it's usually until the end of my life; even if at some point, I pretend I don't give a tiny rat's ass about you anymore. I'm solidary and just can't never forsake anybody in trouble, even if I swim in my own shit. I make many, many many mistakes, and there are lots of things I'm not proud of, but I never, EVER have any bad intentions when I try to get close with you. I just can't be really evil; my only goal when I try to earn your trust, is to spend as much time with you as possible. I'm the kind of girl who always gives you a second chance even if you let me down.

And sometimes you can freak out, because you think I just don't know you enough to love you that much, but most of the time, you just don't notice how much attention I pay to every single detail. I analyze every single little thing I find in you, every  single thing you're not even aware of doing, because your unconscious gestures and actions teach me so much more about you than what you're willing to say or show me. And most of the time, you're not even aware of how great you are.

But I can see it.

[ the "you" is nobody in particular, just people I care about in general ]

Zurich.

I'm swallowing my tasteless biscuits with difficulty, looking at my pictures restlessly.

I can't get over Zurich. It's been as if the summer holidays I couldn't get this year had been condensate in those three days. Such an amazing summer feeling, the one that I had been waiting for a year, the exact one I was looking for. The friends, the heat, and that impression we'll be forever young; and the first steps in a new city, the sweat, the laughters, the long, frustrating but exciting waiting, the summer camp in a friend's small bedroom, the late conversations in the night, the pouring rain that makes it even more spectacular, the tears of joy, the many hugs, and above all, our hearts beating so fast when our bands are about to come on stage. It's been a while since I hadn't felt that alive.

I just feel so down ever since I got back home. So down that I can't even stand Paris, at the moment. I'm just not ready to face reality again. I'm just not ready to be back to the regular, boring life that every regular person have. work, home, work again, home again, silly, alcoholic parties involving puking and sex mistakes. I'm not ready to face normal people again, the OTHER people. The ones who cannot understand just how much music means to me, the ones who cannot understand how I feel when at the very beginning of a trip, when I step out of the train/plane/car, putting my luggage on the floor, and telling myself "Wow, this is it, I'm there!". The ones who cannot understand how I can be that happy when The Vaccines or White Lies finally hit the stage, to name them only. Those moments when I feel that I am exactly where I need to be. Those moments when you're under the impression the World is finally going right, those moments when you feel like a jigsaw finally being completed by its last piece.

When I close my eyes, I'm still there. His smell, Federica asking to feel her heartbeats right before the Vaccines, Freddie's applausing us while singing on his soundcheck, the way I just couldn't say a word while waiting for them to come, Justin's headbanging on Bad Mood, Their discreet laughters while performing, their looks, Laura's hugs, Ronni's face, Brandon's smile, the stars in my eyes when I first saw The Killers, my tears on Bling, Federica's sleepy baby face on mornings, my girls' conversations in italian, Rachel's kind features, that strong warmth overwhelming me when White Lies were on stage, that torrential rain I couldn't give a fuck about, Harry's endearing extactic face, Jack's wave of hand to make me understand he would chose me...

I'll just keep closing my eyes, to print these moments forever in my mind.

I've got my mind set on you.

The good news is, I've never done for you what I'm doing for him.

'Cause dinner's in the kitchen and it's packed in ice.

The awkward moment when you waiting desperately for a message from somebody who got you really mad.
Ah, feelings.

May 26th 2012.

Mon Amour.

I just love being around the Eiffel Tower when it's about to illuminate for the first time of the night.
Rows of people, most of them from abroad, start staying still from quarter to ten or so, looking up hopefully to our Vieille Dame de fer, waiting eagerly. And when finally, at ten o'clock, the magic happens, everybody around let out an "Aaaaaaah!" of ravishment.
And it is such an amazing feeling to know that people come from far away only to see what I can see it everyday. I just can't never get tired of this. Although it became transparent to most of the other Parisians ages ago, everytime I gaze at this wonderful scenery with the same amazement.
I wish they could all remember just how gorgeous this city is, instead of complaining all the time. I wish everybody could see it through my eyes. Paris is a gem; it would be mad denying it.